ENJOY!
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
Sometimes Youv'e Gotta Love Glasgow People!!! from Chris Hawkins
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Afterlife Deal
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A Swede, an Irishman and a Scotsman take their wives golfing....
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded.
Stay smiling for the rest of the day!
Little Old Lady: "DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OLD PEOPLE"
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
Sent by Nigel Darley
The Church Organist
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
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NEW BLONDE JOKE A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls,
and sat down next to of all people a beautiful; you guessed it, blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally,
not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" --------------------------------------
DAMN TRACTOR
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says,
"That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for"
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.
Thanks to Bill Donaldson (Canada), nice one Bill.
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INDEX PAGE
SEE WHAT'S NEW
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish to each person is allowed!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door in Glasgow. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is
3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those Maryhill guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as
he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk?
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 pounds!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from f***** 'skippin' " the Irishman said
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae affarrd any."
Murdo reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
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They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
Now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm
Is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and t hat it
would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Tube travellers will love this.....................
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled, "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
The following are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married
to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction".
"Your delay, this evening, is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news
is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman, unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in the poor"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your blooming golf clubs away from the door before I come down here and shove them up your a**e sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
From Dave & Judi Starling
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner, Love John.
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now, Love Mom.
Another joke from the Wife
Bar Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."
Joke Sent by Pete Smith
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way.
When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night.
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled,
"Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, " Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
New Jokes from my Wife
Jimmy received a budgie for Christmas. The budgie was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the budgie in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The budgie calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the budgie continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden – a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
A man walks into the doctors; Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a
sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss,
I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary
and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts
me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch p o r n and eat Wotsits"
Teddy Bear
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect,
they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his apartment,she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddybears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,and huge enormous bears on
the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy
would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but
she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his
sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's
clothes off and go to bed. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they
are lying there together afterwards, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"How was it for you?"
The man says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
It's a beauty
(wait for it)
Get your Chinese accent ready
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
Budgie Joke
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking budgerigars, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your budgerigars over to my house and I will put them with my two male budgerigars whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My budgerigars will teach your budgerigars to stop saying that terrible phrase and yours will learn to pray and worship." The next day the woman brings her female budgerigars to the priest's house. His two are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two budgerigars in with them and they say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male budgerigar looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Sad Joke
A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A Quicky
Question: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
Answer: He got pissed off.
Scottish Joke
Question: How many budgies can you get up a Scotsman kilt?
Answer: It depends on the length of the perch
Granny joke
Gran fell down on the ice and broke her leg and was in a plaster cast for several months.
When the time came to remove it, she asked the doctor excitedly,
"does this mean that I can go up the stairs?"
"Yes", he replied.
"What a relief", replied Gran " It was getting to be a hard work keep climbing up the drainpipe!!".
What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
Most people can roast beef.
What's the differce between a condom and a coffin?
They both take stiffs, but you come in one and go in the other.
A woman went to the doctor and told him that every time she sneezed she had an orgasm.
"Are you taking anything for it asked" "Yes she replied. "Snuff".
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals" "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
A man was driving down the road behind a farmer's truck. Suddenly, a little pig fell out of the back of the truck. The man thought the farmer would want his pig back, so he pulled his car over and tried to catch the pig. After a long chase, the man caught the pig and and put him in the back of his car. By now the farmer's truck was way ahead of him, so he had to drive really fast to catch up. The man was pulled over by a cop, who said "Sir, you were going 90 M.P.H. in a 55 M.P.H. zone." The man told the cop the story about the pig and the cop said, "Well, you aren't going to catch the farmer now, but I won't give you a ticket if you take the pig to the zoo." The man said O.K. and left. The next day, the same man came down the same highway and was pulled over by the same cop. The cop wasn't too happy. He walked up to the car and he saw the little pig in the back seat wearing a bathing suit. The cop asked what was going on, and the man said, "Well, since we had so much fun at the zoo, today we're going to the beach!"
Its the way I tell 'em, keeping checking for new jokes.